32nd birthday reflection
The urge to be perfect never ends. Even when I was about to write this. I had 1,000+ ideas how to do it, and spent days thinking how I should do it, and finally came to realize that…. all I need to do is… just do it.
This past year was… indescribable. The 2022 ended with a corporate action, and this time it was all efficiency. When 2023 started, I already labeled it as “not my year”. I mean, how do I not? I had a miscarriage, which was followed by my daughter’s days in hospitals, followed by losing a nail (I tried not to sound like a barbie here, but it hurt like hell), and not to mention, I had a shift of role in the office and had a grand new team-challenges-focus.
But then, I tried to be a bigger person for myself, take a step back and reflect on the journey. Fortunately, the moment I am writing this, I feel like I am myself. I can take a look at all the learnings I’ve had the past year. And as much as it’s “torturing” and challenging, I think the past year was really the year I am learning a lot as a person.
As a mom, I’ve finally been able to reconcile with this new role where I have to make space for another being and share the spotlight. I finally understand that when my daughter “acts up”, it’s because she needs me most, she longs for connection with me — not because she’s a bad kid. Trust me, it took me long hours of a number of sessions with my psychologist to get here. I get to be more compassionate now, trying to offer my presence when she’s behaving uncontrollably. Don’t get me wrong, I still lose my temper here and there, as I am no superwoman, but this knowledge I have with me right now give me a renewed sense of energy when dealing with the little one. It has helped me…tremendously.
As a career woman, I’ve gained perspective. Going though ups and downs with the company, carefully evaluating the cycle we’ve been through, I am thankful to be in this experience, to be able to look at things from many different angles. This helped the old me who loved to see things in black and white. Good or bad. In or out. I learned to be comfortable being in the gray area, the spectrum, while still holding my idealism flag.
The new experience in the new role also got me down there, in rock bottom. It’s not easy to be learning everything all over again, adjusting myself in a team of totally different people with what I used to. But at this point, I’ve tried to little by little, make peace with the overall idea, and focus on the tiny little things I can do one at a time to make a difference. Not easy, trust me. As someone who loves perfection and structure, I hate to see chaos, and I hate not to be able to put the chaos into structure in my own way. Hey, life is not ideal so I have to make do with what I have and still focus on the big goal. Time to be flexible, my darling.
As a person, I finally came to accept that, hey, I am ambitious. I thought I was no longer ambitious because I don’t have any career aspiration (at least nothing specific). But… my ambition has permeates into my day to day activity, that even though I thought I’ve made some spaces in my calendar, I still have that tendency to….TAKE IT ALL IN. DO IT ALL.
Yeah, why don’t I? Simply, because I just can’t. I now try… to take spaces in between. I showered, if I need to, to make space in my head between one big meeting, to another activity. When time doesn’t permit, I take three deep breaths, or I inhaled a gazillion heap of lavender, or stress away. Or take 15 mins nap. I learned time and again, that productivity is not being on 100% of the time, it’s knowing when to recharge to be fully back again. After all, I am not that young, hey.
I learned that doing yoga in a hot room, gave me a clear focus. And yes, Gadis, sometimes it’s okay not being able to exercise and still eat a lot. I know how much you love balance, but… life itself is a journey towards that balance.
I still shop like there’s no tomorrow. This is such a bad habit. I know I found comfort in buying things — but it’s such a materialistic, shallow, thinking that I also hate and yet I keep doing so. This is something I’d like to address, certainly, now that I am older :D I want to be able to look within to find peace and comfort, and I am still on my way to get there.
Routine helps me grounded. I feel like losing myself everytime my routine gets shifted. Gosh, how I am so not used to things changing not according to the way I wanted it. This is another piece of work, yes I am trying my best to overcome it.
After years, thinking that I don’t want to have another child, finally I am ready to open up myself to the possibility. Children make me happy (and sometimes miserable, but overall I am happy). It’s no easy decision to make, but getting the knowledge about dealing with my daughter, talking to others who made it, reflecting deeply on those conversations made me confident, and made me realize how happy I am as a mom, and even if I had the change to turn back time, I’d still chose this over and over again.
So, here I am, welcoming 32 with some notes for myself. Learning to let go of my perfectionism, hoping to create a piece of article that can change a crowd, to the hell with it. I mean, why not be more honest, and spontaneous, and just push through, sometimes? Because, as I can se now… I made an article regardless. Not perfect, but still a something.
Thank you my dear friends and family. Thank you body. Thank you self. We’ve made it.
Love,
your nemesis.
