The worst birthday ever?

Last week maybe my birthday, but I couldn’t feel anything but misery for the past week.

I may not know this before, but now, the worst feeling in the world to me is rejection. When your child doesn’t choose you. Or choose others over you. And hell no, I am not the jealous type. I know in my heartbeat that it’s so easy to win her over again — it worked every time in the past. But the fact that she continued to reject you, over and over again, every day without fail in the past one week, when all you dealt with at the office was a missed goal/milestone/deliverable, it set a fire.

And I just lost it. In front of her. Again and again. Also without fail, for the past week. You tried to appeal to her logic, you tried to appeal to her feelings, you used the stick, but also the carrot — none of what you did matter. That’s what exactly happened to me. And that made me feel like a worthless piece of trash.

Because feeling rejected is one thing, but losing it in front of her, having to burst in front of her and made her cry for it — that’s even worse. You feel all kinds of guilt sensation. You broke down, you cried, you felt like it’s the end of the world. Only it wasn’t. Because the next day, things start to repeat themselves.

Am just in so much pain. I really don’t know how my negative energy will impact her future, I don’t want her to have a traumatic childhood because of my scolding her. But I really can’t take it anymore. This is insurmountable.

I do appreciate the fact that people tried to celebrate me, appreciate me, console me. In fact, there’s no way I could survive without these people. Because, I already felt dead inside, and they tried to turn on some sparks. But the other feeling is haunting me without even resting a bit. And I am not so sure how to get through this.